Brighton racing tips by Donald Keys. That's me. Don Keys. I'm here to help you live a happier, healthier life. Not really. It's ulcers galore which is what it's all about in my book. I wasn't going to bother with Brighton today but I have a few minutes to spare so let's crack on. Try to ignore all of the following:

2.30 Only four runners and not much to get excited about. I'll chance Johnny Rook @ 2.58 betfair

3.00 I'll gamble with a couple of e/w shouts in this one if you don't mind. One Way Ticket @ 25/1 bet365 or 33/1 @ betfair - it has a tiny Keys tick next to it so why the hell not? And Bateleur @ 14/1 betfred - I don't think they'll both be terrible. Possible though. Amen.

3.30 Overlooking the main contenders again for a couple of place potentials. Bye Baby Bunting @ 14/1 sportingbet and Nordic Light also @ 14/1 with sportingbet or 17.5 @ betfair. Do me proud or don't do me at all.

4.00 Enough positives for me to chance Recalcitrant @ 9/1 ladbrokes - it's record here is impressive enough and says to me it's four legs and internal organs can carry it to a place. Let's have a little faith with Lancaster Lad to please the gunch too @ 9/1 sportingbet or 10/1 betfair if you'd prefer. One, both, or neither of these will make me smile. That much is certain.

4.30 Keep on gambling. That's what I gonna do. Fairly Honest @ 8/1 skybet and 9/1 betfair can finish thereabouts. You heard it here first unless it's nowhere. Same goes for Orbital Orchid @ 12/1 with bet365. Do if for the gunch you rotten beast. And world peace.

5.00 Give me one good reason not to like Under Fire @ 12/1 bet365 and betfair to at least place. Okay. Give me fourteen good reasons not to like Under Fire @ 12/1 to at least place. Ha! You can't can you? That's good enough for El Gunchy here.

So long, suckers.